PSYCHOBABBLE

On self sabotage: 

Starting over is like my favorite pass time. Apartments, jobs, my sense of style,  music, lifestyle,  men ( in my head) my phone numbers, my phone, my diet. Name it. My attention span needs attention. Also my priorities, my focus and my discipline. I'm proud of myself self today though. I got up this morning and meditated, didn't argue with my son's father ( although I wanted to cuss him the fuck out) and I managed to make it to my appointment to get my TB test done. I'll be starting a new job soon and have been doing my best to make it through this pre-employment process so that I can start ASAP. I have been fighting some serious self sabotage in the last year ( like worse than normal) and getting my ass beat. I'm gonna get this done though. I owe my boy and myself one so many levels. 

A couple weeks back I told myself I was going to start keeping my promises to myself. I'm giving it a test run today. I promised myself after having rescheduled the first appointment( due to catching COVID for the very first time) that I would not miss the next appointment. Clap for me. "What did the lady say needed to bring?" Well if I have to print anything out there is a FedEx around the corner. I also have some delicious vegan crab balls in my pocket. I'm gonna snack on those later. I deserve them. 

Self sabotage is the absolute reason for my having to start over so much. The lingering treacherous negative thought forms reiterating to me that I am just not one of those people that succeeds. A lack of clarity. Fear. Because deep down I know I'm magical and brilliant but the conditioning has left me fiening for validation from people who have no clue who I am. 

I know I have the tools to change directions so I'm trying to give myself some grace eventhough I'm really tired of my bullshit.

Anyway I been paying attention to myself lately and I came up with an idea. The truth is going to cure me, it's going to heal me and it's going to cure me.  Telling the truth. Honoring and living my truth. Periodt.